Weather report

Seattle, WA- Our weather report is effectively the same as usual. Rain, rain, and, yes, more rain. We are currently in the middle of a natural phenomenon called "El Nino", which can be translated basically from Spanish to mean, "Time to get wet, boys!" The effect is caused by Hawaiians having too many parties and making clouds of BBQ smoke that float over the Western United States and release rain. If you don't believe us, just look out the bleeding window every once in awhile!
Yes, our weather is just like the stock market: it's coming down hard, and there's no sign of any stopping. But here in the northwest, that's pretty normal. After all, Seattle wasn't rated the worst dressed city in the world for nothing! It's not like we actually think fleeces and ponchos look good, it's just that we have to wear them 11 months out of the year, or else we drown!... update: a recent poll shows that 95% of Seattlites actually DO think that ponchos are sexy. So maybe we are losers after all... by 'we' I mean the people of Seattle. The editors of this post frown on such lack of fashion sense. So let's pull on our sandals and socks and get rolling into the weather!
Avoiding the rain is imperative if you don't want to show up at parties looking like a drowned fish. Luckily, it's not as hard as it sounds. The first thing that you must do is wear a pair of underpants outside your jeans. Backwards. Sandals and socks are a fashionable must for anybody who's going to be braving those ponds/puddles in the middle of the road. After all, who wants to ruin a good pair of sneakers? Then, put on a brightly colored rain poncho over a North Face fleece. The poncho acts as a rain protection garment, wings, and a beacon for anybody who's trying to find your body floating in the river. Finally, put on a life vest and do the sun dance in your living room in front of a video camera. The sun dance involves hopping around a room in your underwear, with the poncho and life vest, and squawking like a chicken. As soon as you post this video on Youtube, the sun will come out, and everybody will have a good laugh at your expense. This concludes our weather report. Thanks for reading, and don't get wet.
[a cover charge of ten dollars per minute spent reading this report has been added to your credit card] BANG!