Weather report

Seattle, WA- Our weather report is effectively the same as usual. Rain, rain, and, yes, more rain. We are currently in the middle of a natural phenomenon called "El Nino", which can be translated basically from Spanish to mean, "Time to get wet, boys!" The effect is caused by Hawaiians having too many parties and making clouds of BBQ smoke that float over the Western United States and release rain. If you don't believe us, just look out the bleeding window every once in awhile!
Yes, our weather is just like the stock market: it's coming down hard, and there's no sign of any stopping. But here in the northwest, that's pretty normal. After all, Seattle wasn't rated the worst dressed city in the world for nothing! It's not like we actually think fleeces and ponchos look good, it's just that we have to wear them 11 months out of the year, or else we drown!... update: a recent poll shows that 95% of Seattlites actually DO think that ponchos are sexy. So maybe we are losers after all... by 'we' I mean the people of Seattle. The editors of this post frown on such lack of fashion sense. So let's pull on our sandals and socks and get rolling into the weather!
Avoiding the rain is imperative if you don't want to show up at parties looking like a drowned fish. Luckily, it's not as hard as it sounds. The first thing that you must do is wear a pair of underpants outside your jeans. Backwards. Sandals and socks are a fashionable must for anybody who's going to be braving those ponds/puddles in the middle of the road. After all, who wants to ruin a good pair of sneakers? Then, put on a brightly colored rain poncho over a North Face fleece. The poncho acts as a rain protection garment, wings, and a beacon for anybody who's trying to find your body floating in the river. Finally, put on a life vest and do the sun dance in your living room in front of a video camera. The sun dance involves hopping around a room in your underwear, with the poncho and life vest, and squawking like a chicken. As soon as you post this video on Youtube, the sun will come out, and everybody will have a good laugh at your expense. This concludes our weather report. Thanks for reading, and don't get wet.
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NEWS UPDATE: NEW FLU PANDEMIC STRIKING AMERICA

Los Angeles, CA- Cases have been reported concerning a strange new virus that seems to be having a disastrous affect on the health of America’s adolescent population. An increasing number are entering hospitals with complaints including ear ache, swollen thumbs, nausea, insomnia, and chronic constipation. The strange part of this new disease is that these adolescents have been reported by their parents not to have left there rooms for several weeks before contracting the illness. After painstaking research by the most skilled medical professionals from the AT&T medical research fund, the cause was traced to cell phones.
Certain cell phones, including those made by such companies as Nokia, Samsung, and any phone using Sprint Wireless, are proven to be infect with this new “cell flu,” or buy-1-get-1-free. The flu, in addition to the symptoms described above, can cause headaches, swollen eyes, hair loss, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Sadly, as of yet, a vaccine hasn’t been created, and all victims are currently enclosed in a glass box the size of a 36 in plasma screen TV. Cell phone companies, the names of which we have been paid not to disclose, have already made several attempts to free the afflicted from their solitude by creating a phone that can work inside the glass box. However, the adolescents have shunned it because, as 15-year-old Derek Roffman states, “The texting plan sucks.” Symptoms have been shown to conclude within three weeks of being admitted to the solitary confinement program, in which patients are fed a diet of one banana and half a turkey sandwich a day, and are kept from any contact with the outside world.
To prevent the B1G1F from entering your home, we recommend that you boycott all cell phones until the threat has been deemed passed. Destroy any phones owned by members of your household using a food processor. The cord can be dealt with using five feet of garden hose and a shotgun. While solitary confinement isn’t completely necessary, it may be wise to wear a diver suit and carry oxygen tanks with you at all times when outside the home. If one of your family members contracts Cell Flu, beat them with a rubber duck and seek medical help immediately. This concludes our report. At Gnu News, we are dedicated to making money and helping you become informed. Cash donations are greatly appreciated, preferably in amounts exceeding $1000. Thank you. Have a nice day. BANG!