Los Angeles, CA- Cases have been reported concerning a strange new virus that seems to be having a disastrous affect on the health of America’s adolescent population. An increasing number are entering hospitals with complaints including ear ache, swollen thumbs, nausea, insomnia, and chronic constipation. The strange part of this new disease is that these adolescents have been reported by their parents not to have left there rooms for several weeks before contracting the illness. After painstaking research by the most skilled medical professionals from the AT&T medical research fund, the cause was traced to cell phones.
Certain cell phones, including those made by such companies as Nokia, Samsung, and any phone using Sprint Wireless, are proven to be infect with this new “cell flu,” or buy-1-get-1-free. The flu, in addition to the symptoms described above, can cause headaches, swollen eyes, hair loss, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Sadly, as of yet, a vaccine hasn’t been created, and all victims are currently enclosed in a glass box the size of a 36 in plasma screen TV. Cell phone companies, the names of which we have been paid not to disclose, have already made several attempts to free the afflicted from their solitude by creating a phone that can work inside the glass box. However, the adolescents have shunned it because, as 15-year-old Derek Roffman states, “The texting plan sucks.” Symptoms have been shown to conclude within three weeks of being admitted to the solitary confinement program, in which patients are fed a diet of one banana and half a turkey sandwich a day, and are kept from any contact with the outside world.
To prevent the B1G1F from entering your home, we recommend that you boycott all cell phones until the threat has been deemed passed. Destroy any phones owned by members of your household using a food processor. The cord can be dealt with using five feet of garden hose and a shotgun. While solitary confinement isn’t completely necessary, it may be wise to wear a diver suit and carry oxygen tanks with you at all times when outside the home. If one of your family members contracts Cell Flu, beat them with a rubber duck and seek medical help immediately. This concludes our report. At Gnu News, we are dedicated to making money and helping you become informed. Cash donations are greatly appreciated, preferably in amounts exceeding $1000. Thank you. Have a nice day. BANG!
